Depression
Everyone feels low from time to time, so it’s not always easy to know when it is part-and-parcel of daily life, and when it’s time to seek help.
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Affair Recovery
Recovery from infidelity can depend on cultural background. It may depend on a couple’s personal or religious views. Many couples pursue therapy to decide if they should stay in a relationship after the affair. Therapy may help them process their feelings about it.
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Divorce Counseling
People may seek therapy to help them decide if they should leave a marriage. Others may seek counseling for help changing from married to single life. One-on-one or couples therapy can help you work toward either of these goals.
Therapy can teach coping skills that may help people work toward a new life. It could help someone have a healthier outlook on their divorce. Therapy for divorce can make people feel encouraged and empowered. It can be a safe place to share feelings and thoughts. This can be helpful during what is often a difficult time.
WHY CHOOSE THERAPY FOR DIVORCE
When a marriage ends, it can be traumatic for both partners. Divorce can be mentally, physically, and financially demanding. To cope with this, a couple who is divorcing may choose to begin therapy. Divorce therapy is often done on a one-on-one basis. A person going through divorce may feel guilt, fear, anxiety, depression and grief.
Working with a therapist can provide a goal and rational perspective. It can arm a person with skills to work through the difficulties of the divorce. Those who use therapy to help them get over a divorce can often benefit. They may come to learn more about themselves. The change divorce brings can be a chance for personal growth and development.
TYPES OF THERAPY FOR DIVORCE
- Individual therapy. Divorce may contribute to certain mental health conditions. These can include depression, anxiety, or other conditions. Some perceive divorce as a personal failure. Therapy can help people work through those feelings and make sense of the divorce. It may help people gain a new perspective. People who have divorced may learn about their needs and dislikes in partnerships. They may gain a deeper knowledge of themselves.
- Couples therapy. Therapy is also available for couples going through a divorce. This type of therapy may facilitate a healthy and constructive divorce. A divorce therapist can act as a sort of mediator. They can set guidelines to ensure the divorce happens with less negative impact. Therapists can also help address pertinent issues. These can include living arrangements, financial obligations, and parenting.
- Family therapy. Therapy can be important for children whose parents are divorcing. Parents may often be consumed with their own feelings during a divorce. They might overlook the emotional state of their children. Divorce can cause children to feel confusion, guilt, loss, pain, or abandonment. Children may not be sure which parent they should “choose,” or be loyal to. They might also worry they are the cause of the divorce. When parents are aggressive with each other, a child may feel even more fearful. A child who hears parents argue about custody might start to feel unwanted. They may worry they are to blame for the separation. Family therapy lets all family members share their feelings about the divorce. This can help everyone process their emotions and adjust to the changes.
MEDIATION FOR DIVORCE
Mediation can be an alternative to discussing a divorce in court. Going to court can be an exhausting and expensive process. Some courts mandate mediation for divorcing couples. But some couples might choose mediation over court on their own. Mediation can be a better option than going to court for some couples. It may take factors without legal significance into account. This can help if there are many factors to consider.
In mediation, couples discuss custody, asset division, and other issues with a mediator. The mediator tries to help the couple reach a legally binding settlement on their own. Mediation may take less time than a divorce litigation. It is often a less costly process. Couples may be able to reach an agreement that satisfies them both. Mediation may also improve their communication for the future. This can make a significant impact if the couple has children.
STRATEGIES FOR COPING WITH DIVORCE
The divorce process can by busy and stressful. It may become crucial to find new ways to handle stress. A few ways to cope with divorce include:
- Guided breathing exercises or meditation. Breathwork and meditation can help increase mindfulness. Mindfulness is the act of being aware of and focused on immediate physical sensations around you. It can be useful for calming stress.
- Talking with a trusted friend. When looking for someone to talk to, choose another adult. The stressors that come with divorce can be too much for children to handle.
- Trying a new perspective. Think in terms that make the divorce feel smaller and more manageable.
- Self-care. Take a bubble bath, go for a run, or watch a favorite movie. Self-care can refresh your mind and body. It can also increase your ability to handle stress in difficult times.
CASE EXAMPLES: DIVORCE RECOVERY
- Therapy for grief after divorce. Rudy and Jill are couple in their early thirties with no children. They come in for marriage counseling and are considering separation. Jill wants to save the marriage. Rudy is ready to leave. After two or three sessions, it becomes clear that Rudy has made up his mind. The therapist helps the couple to talk about their relationship openly. Rudy and Jill are both able to learn, grow, and prepare for separation. After the separation, the therapist continues to work with Jill to help her manage her grief. She is able to begin moving forward as a single woman.
- Divorce after a 30-year marriage. Raoul, 59, enters therapy after divorcing his wife of 30 years. Raoul’s children are grown. He has been unhappy for years. He hoped the divorce would make him feel better. He instead finds he is devastated by the loss. His wife, who had not wanted a divorce, now seems to Raoul “to be doing fine.” This confuses him terribly. He even spoke to his wife about reconciling, but she was uninterested. Raoul thinks that is for the best. But he cannot seem to make the adjustment to being single. A therapist helps Raoul identify his fears about being single. The therapist helps him develop skills and a support system. This helps Raoul stay connected with people and feel hopeful about the future. Together, they identify the benefits of marriage Raoul has given up. They also look at the benefits of being single he can now enjoy. The therapist helps Raoul get in touch with his grief and guilt surrounding the divorce. He explores his positive feelings towards his ex-wife. He is able to investigate his fears about being able to stay connected with his children.
References:
- Divorce counseling. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.neilrosenthal.com/marriage-therapy/divorce-counseling
- Stoner, K. (n.d.). Divorce mediation myths. Nolo.com. Retrieved from http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/divorce-mediation-myths-30191.html
Couple & Relationship Issues
Good relationships can be a source of love, fulfillment, and support. Many people consider finding a romantic partner to be their purpose in life. However, even the best relationships will face challenges. It takes effort to keep the bonds of intimacy strong.
As long as each partner is willing to address the issue at hand and work together toward a solution, most relationship problems are manageable. When challenges are left unaddressed, tension mounts, poor habits develop, and the longevity of the relationship falls into jeopardy. A couples counselor can help romantic partners communicate their needs and rebuild their bond.
Editor’s note: This page focuses on monogamous relationships. You can read more about polyamorous relationships here.
RELATIONSHIP STAGES
Every relationship is as different as the individuals within it. That said, most relationships and marriages tend to go through the same three phases. These phases often have choices or challenges that a couple must work through.
Romance or Rejection
The first phase has a couple getting to know each other and falling in love. It typically occurs during the courtship process and the first several years after marriage (assuming the couple gets married). During the first phase, an individual’s body will produce lots of “love hormones” that make them feel good around their partner. This is when a couple feels the quintessential “spark” or “passion” shown in movies.
During this time, a couple is learning more about each other and actively building intimacy. However, the partners often don’t know as much about each other as they believe. A person may hide parts of themself to avoid conflict or rejection. An individual may also idealize their partner, ignoring their loved one’s more unpleasant or unhealthy behaviors. However, these issues will almost always need to be addressed eventually.
Trust or Disillusionment
The second phase is when the rose-colored glasses come off. When a couple lives together and starts sharing resources, more opportunities for conflict arise. Partners may disagree on how to spend money or organize their living space. The quirks which used to be endearing may become downright nauseating after five years of repetition.
Even if the partners agree on everything, the sheer weight of time can strip the relationship of its novelty. Humans don’t tend to get excited about something they encounter every day. When the passion is gone, a person will start to wonder: Can I rely on my spouse to care for me when I am vulnerable? Can I trust them to treat me well even when we disagree?
It is usually not enough for partners to love each other: they also need to enjoy each other’s company. Couples who like each other can build trust that carries them through rough times. Couples who can’t get over their differences will grow apart.
Adjustment or Separation
Couples who grow apart during the second phase will separate in the third. Sometimes this separation comes as a breakup or divorce. In other cases, the couples separate emotionally, withdrawing into bubbles of resentment and resignation. They will see each other as an enemy or a burden rather than a long-term companion.
Couples who trust and respect each other will likely stay together in the third phase. They’ll likely learn to negotiate their needs and accept differences in opinion. They’ll neither idolize nor demonize each other, but rather see one another as people.
DO YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
While it is impossible to predict the future, relationships are more likely to last a lifetime if they are healthy. But when you are in the thick of conflict, it can be hard to tell if you and your partner are going through a rough patch or if you have unhealthy relationship dynamics. If you are unsure, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Do you make time for romance?
Healthy couples often make intimacy and romance a priority, even when the rest of their lives are busy. In unhealthy relationships, partners often get distracted with work or parenting responsibilities, and they neglect to make time for each other. This phenomenon can cause partners to grow apart.
As couples age, their sexual needs and desires may grow out of sync. Healthy couples work through these changes to create a sex life that suits everyone. In unhealthy couples, an individual may resent their partner for not meeting their expectations. They may cheat on their partner and seek sexual fulfillment outside the relationship.
What happens when you disagree?
Every couple has disagreements. But when they have conflict, healthy couples still show each other respect and affection. They look for chances to agree with or compromise with each other to find solutions to the problem. When one person is upset at their partner, they complain about behavior rather than criticizing the partner’s character or worth.
Unhealthy couples tend to dismiss each other’s viewpoints, both verbally and through body language. An individual may use mockery, insults, or unrelated grudges to “win” the fight. They may also get defensive or start stonewalling when they feel attacked. Unhealthy relationships can move from toxic to abusive when threats, emotional manipulation, and physical violence are present.
Do you each have a sense of self outside the relationship?
Relationships can be a vital source of self-esteem, emotional support, and identity. However, even the best spouse cannot fill a person’s every need. Healthy couples still nurture bonds with their families, friends, and the larger community. They can each spend time with other people without getting jealous or insecure.
Partners can still love each other without sharing everything in their lives. They do not have to share 100% of their hobbies or opinions. If one person insists on having everything their way or tries to control their partner’s life, then the relationship has likely become toxic.
What does each partner contribute to the relationship?
Many couples fight over how much each person contributes to finances, housework, or parenting duties. One or both people may believe they are doing more than their share of work. They may feel overwhelmed, resentful, or unappreciated. These disputes can get even more complicated when one party has a physical or mental health issue that affects their daily functioning.
In a healthy relationship, partners will negotiate their responsibilities fairly and in good faith. An equitable workload can take many forms. Perhaps both partners work part-time and split the housework 50-50. Or maybe one individual financially supports their partner through graduate school, then the second partner works while the first starts a small business. There is no single formula for fairness.
WHAT TO EXPECT IN COUPLES COUNSELING
Couples often seek counseling when relationship problems begin to interfere with daily functioning or when partners are unsure about continuing the relationship. Married couples often go to marriage counseling. Couples who are dating, cohabitating, or engaged often go to premarital counseling.
Couples often approach counseling with the hope that the therapist will tell them who is right. However, relationship counselors are unlikely to take sides in an argument. Instead, trained therapists help each partner to communicate their needs more clearly and listen to the other partner more carefully. As a third party, they can show a couple when and where miscommunication is happening. In other words, most therapists aren’t working to end disagreements so much as help couples negotiate healthy solutions to their conflicts.
Couples don’t need to be in a crisis to benefit from counseling. A couple could seek therapy to prevent conflict as they navigate new terrain in their lives. For example, a couple may seek counseling after their child dies so they can keep their marriage strong as they grieve. A couple could also wish to improve their relationship in general, even if they don’t know exactly what their relationship needs.
For couples counseling to significantly help a relationship, each partner needs to commit, at a minimum, to the relationship counseling for the time it continues. According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, couples therapy lasts 11.5 sessions on average. However, there is no limit to how many sessions a couple can have. Some couples will need more time than others to work through their problems.
Couples counseling is not recommended for abusive relationships. To get the most out of couples counseling, each partner also needs to demonstrate honesty, respect for their partner, and a willingness to accept personal accountability. These qualities are rarely present in abusive relationships, which may make the therapy process difficult or impossible. The safety of each partner is paramount to ensuring positive treatment outcomes. Thus, many therapists will not engage in relationship counseling if domestic violence has occurred.
If you and your partner would like to attend marriage counseling or relationship therapy, you can find a couples counselor here.
References:
- About marriage and family therapists. (n.d.). American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.aamft.org/About_AAMFT/About_Marriage_and_Family_Therapists.aspx?hkey=1c77b71c-0331-417b-b59b-34358d32b909
- Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. (2014). Retrieved from http://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/health-resource/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships
- Gottman, J. (2014, November 19). The 3 phases of love. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-3-phases-of-love
- Lisitsa, E. (2013, April 23). The four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling
- McCabe, M. P. (2006). Satisfaction in marriage and committed heterosexual relationships: Past, present, and future. Annual Review of Sex Research, 17, 39-58. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/225227658?accountid=1229
- Nine psychological tasks for a good marriage. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/marriage
Group Therapy
In The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy, Irvin D. Yalom outlines the key therapeutic principles that have been derived from self-reports from individuals who have been involved in the group therapy process:1
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Grief, Loss, and Bereavement
Grief is often painful, but for some people, the emotions can become overwhelming. When a person’s grief is severe and unrelenting, a therapist can offer support. In time, a person can recover from their loss and adjust to a new life.
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